June 29, 2004 - 4:20 p.m.
Return to Online Dating (abortive)
You might remember if you've been reading for a while that I swore off internet dating because everything about it was basically horrible. Here's the story of how I dipped my toe back in and then went running screaming back into the house.
Well what happened was, I came back to work one day hell bent on shifting my focus away from boys and blogs and silly things like that, I was going to damn well find a career if it killed me. Yeah you could say I have a career if you wanted to, but it’s not one that I like very much, it’s not one I ever wanted, and it’s not one I want to advance in. Thinking about boys is just a distraction! I am just running away from facing what’s really important! So I came in to work and sat right down and went to Monster.com to start assessing myself. Again. Well what do you know but that portion of Monster has been taken over by Tickle.com, those people who assault you with IQ Test popup ads every time you get near the New York Times online. Well, so, they have a "who is your career self?" test and I took it and got "fine arts." What? You’re telling me this now? Isn’t it a little late? And what if I have no talent? I guess I’d better take that "draw this turtle"test now.
So, ok, fine, what other career tests do you have? I want a second opinion. Then it’s telling me "well gee Kathy, a while ago you took the IQ test and the ‘what breed of dog are you’ test, don’t you think it’s about time you signed up for Tickle Matchmaking? It’s so unbelievably scientific. And it’s free! Why not just hit this throbbing little button right now? There we go, good girl, good girl, chihuauhas always respond to that type of request." Now I’m in Tickle matchmaking, still hoping it will somehow not be called "tickle." What happened to the career tests? Oh well, later, later. Now Kathy, you don’t want to be some poor sap who doesn’t have a picture to go with all those super test results do you? why don’t you just upload one now. Ok good. Here’s another test to prove just how scientific our matching is! Now we can put you on 10 different personality continuums, we know all about you now. Look here is a display of guys to look at." Actually I thought this was just another portion of the test…I was thinking back to that Match.com attraction test where it was revealed that I prefer attractive people. My friends all got the same results, I guess we’re all shallow.
But it wasn’t theoretical, these were actual guys who were now going to be told I was interested and there was no way to take it back! Oh fuck! I didn’t even realize there was all this writing on the page below the pictures! What! I swore off online dating! I hate it! I hate them all. Hate men. Hate men’s ads. Hate what men say about themselves. Especially hate firefighters in New Jersey, I don’t care if it’s only two miles away. Oh God. Hate hate! Must turn away! Starting to hate even three-dimensional men now. The ONLY guy I found that I liked was like this cross between Sun-Ra and Kofi Annan. He is pictured in West African dress with a UN nametag on. He has a beard, which is this weird, sudden affinity I have now. But I’ve never wanted to convert to Islam, so that’s a bust, really.
To be continued tomorrow…
